I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
