Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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