What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
