I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
