Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
