I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
