I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
