Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You are the jesus of drinking
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
