He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
