It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
