can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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