I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
