mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
