I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
