dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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