Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
