Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
