He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Congratulations! We have a period
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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