dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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