Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
