His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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