my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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