So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
