You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sext me about skeletons
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
