My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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