just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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