I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
