hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
