did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
