You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
