At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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