3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
