Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
