I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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