Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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