Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
sex in a hospital.. check
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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