between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
