I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
