you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
