Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
