my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
