Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
