The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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