you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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