Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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