My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize