My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
