Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
