so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize