I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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