Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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