I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
