no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
