i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
