I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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