I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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