with your own penis?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
