Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
