I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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