thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
