Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I did not marry a roomba.
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